Here I put your Essay and Presentation consultation under "comments" for this post. Please post your consultation in comments below this post. Corrections from me are below your entry.
Andhika, It's great that you've made use of our blog to consult about your essay writing task !! I've moved your writing to the comments of this post....you could find the correction there, thanks for posting^^ See you in class.
ps. I hope the rest of my students will follow Andhika's lead ^___^
Andhika, It's great that you've made use of our blog to consult about your essay writing task !! I've moved your writing to the comments of this post....you could find the correction there, thanks for posting^^ See you in class.
ps. I hope the rest of my students will follow Andhika's lead ^___^
miss sedikit dulu takut salah
ReplyDeleteAndhika's original work :
ReplyDeleteplaystation games make children more aggresive. because they are learn about violence. children easy to get influences from playstasion games. If they cannot control games, they will doing Immoral attitude. violence is little example for this, Smackdown games is interesting games. it is wrestling games, Children like playing this games. Directly this games teach children to wrestling. at the end the children practice at home,school,and everywhere children can be play.
Furthermore children have bad attitude. This games should be banned for children. this games for Mature only not a child. but in one side playstasion games are good for children. The Games can improve brain work and ability to solve problem.
[Miss Sedikit Dulu Yach]
Task correction :
Play-station games make children more aggressive because they learn about violence. Children are easily influenced by play-station games. [If they cannot control games, they will doing Immoral attitude ----> what do you intend to write here? : If they lose in a game they will act violently??] . Violence is an example of the negative influence of games on children's behavior. Smack-down games are interesting games, they are wrestling games. Children like playing this game, it teaches children to wrestle. In the end, the children imitate smack down performers and wrestle each other at home and at school. Furthermore, it causes children to have bad attitudes [towards what ??]. In my opinion, this game should be banned for children, it is more suitable for adults.
Although some argue that play-station games are good for children because the games can improve brain work and ability to solve problems, according to research, they do more damage than good.
Teacher's comment :
Andhika, please tell me what part of your essay this is, is it the Introductory paragraph, or the Body paragraph? If it's the Introductory paragraph, then your opinion [this game should be banned for children, it is more suitable for adults ] should be placed at the first paragraph as your Thesis Statement.
You should add more supporting details to support your argument. For example wrestling in schools could lead to the children being hurt,it can even be fatal ...
Ok, good luck !
Reza Rivaldi HI - 4
ReplyDeleteMom..Please check my introduction paragraph if there is still some mistakes .
Thanks.
Nowadays, there are so many Indonesian student who studying overseas.Each year, the number of Indonesian students who studying overseas is increasing rapidly.This happens because the students think that the education system in Indonesia is not as well as the education system overseas. Right now, there are so many students who are still hesitant studying in Indonesia. So, lots of students prefer to studying overseas.
Actually, what makes the students prefer to studying overseas?
Some of them thought, studying overseas is more effective than studying in Indonesia because of their reliable learning system, well-structured curriculum, and affordable cost.
vinda astria HI-4
ReplyDeletemam how about this thesis statement:
television influences child education, child behavior, and child's mindset so television provide bad effect for children
give me advice mam thanks :D
@ Reza...
ReplyDeleteHi Reza, I'm glad you could join us here.
Here's your original work :
Nowadays, there are so many Indonesian student who studying overseas.Each year, the number of Indonesian students who studying overseas is increasing rapidly.This happens because the students think that the education system in Indonesia is not as well as the education system overseas. Right now, there are so many students who are still hesitant studying in Indonesia. So, lots of students prefer to studying overseas.
Actually, what makes the students prefer to studying overseas?
Some of them thought, studying overseas is more effective than studying in Indonesia because of their reliable learning system, well-structured curriculum, and affordable cost.
Task correction :
Nowadays, there are so many Indonesian students who are studying overseas. Each year,the number of Indonesian students who studies overseas increases rapidly.This happens because students think that the quality of education overseas is much better than in Indonesia. Right now, there are so many students who are still hesitant to continue their studies in Indonesia. Actually, what makes the students prefer to study overseas? Most [Indonesian?] students think that studying overseas is more effective [advantageous?] than studying in Indonesia because of their reliable learning system, well-structured curriculum, and affordable cost.
Teacher's comment :
Remember to start your new sentences right after a period/full stop, don't write below...because it's still in the same paragraph.
Always indent your first line. I think I have forgotten to tell Andhika about the indentation [ Ooops! ]. But too bad the indentation does not appear in these comments...maybe it's the default setting.
Good job !... And don't forget to give sufficient support to your argument,OK!
See you later, Reza.
Hi Vinda !
ReplyDeleteNice to see you here^^
Your thesis statement:
television influences child education, child behavior, and child's mindset so television provide bad effect for children
Task correction :
Television has negative influence on children's education, behavior, and mindset.
Teacher's comment :
Vinda, "television influences child education" could also mean positive influence [example : educational and inspirational TV programs for children]. But I think you intend to say that
" television is bad for children", so maybe it's better to focus on the "negative influence".
See you in class!